Choosing your honor attendants

Wedding planning is stressful enough without turning it into a social landmine. One of the trickiest parts is choosing your honor attendants (Maid/Matron of Honor, Best Man, etc.).  These are the people who’ll stand next to you during the ceremony, help keep you sane beforehand, and step up when it’s time to wrangle ten bouquets or give their toast.

Here are some things to consider when making this choice and avoid drama or regret.

Who shows up for you…always? Forget tradition for a second. This isn’t about who you should choose. It’s about who actually supports and has your best interests at heart. Think about the friend or sibling who listens when you need to vent, helps you sort out decisions to be made, and will show up early with snacks and a phone charger.  That’s honor attendant material.

You don’t have to pick the person who picked you. You have permission to not choose a person who had you in their wedding years ago but you haven’t talked to in months. You’re not obligated to return the favor. You should surround yourself with people who matter to you right now.

Don’t let birth order or family pressure decide for you.  Having an older brother or close-in-age cousin doesn’t mean they’re automatically the right choice. If they’re emotionally close to you, great. But if your best friend knows your coffee order and keeps your deepest secrets, maybe they’re the better fit for the job.

Note: If you have two people who are equally important to you and you just can’t decide, have two Maids of Honor (one stands next to you during the ceremony and fluffs your train and holds your bouquet and the other signs the marriage license) or two Best Men (one holds the rings and the other signs the license).  It’s a thing.

Choose individuals you can rely on. Your college roommate is a blast on the dance floor, but are they going to answer your panicked texts at midnight or show up for your dress fitting without ghosting? Choose people who are dependable and fun.  You’ll need both.

Consider vibes and skills.  Your Honor Attendant might be helping plan the bachelorette party, writing a speech, or keeping you calm and happy on the Big Day. Ask yourself: Who’s got the emotional intelligence and the energy for all of that? Who can handle logistics, stay calm, and still be there for you?

Case in point: if your best friend gets overwhelmed just picking where to have lunch, maybe they’d be better suited to be a bridesmaid than run the show.  That’s totally okay.

Be honest about what you want. Some people want a super-involved Honor Attendant; others just want someone who’ll hold their bouquet and not drop the rings. Think about what you need, then be clear when you ask someone to take on the role. Communication saves friendships.

Don’t stress about gender roles.  Your wedding party should look however you want it to. Want your guy best friend as your Man of Honor? Go for it. Your sister as your Best Woman?  Absolutely.

*****

When all is said and done, what matters most is the people who stood by your side—not just on your wedding day, but through the messy, magical moment leading up to it.  So choose the folks who lift you up, calm you down, and make you laugh until you cry.  That’s your crew.